Is there a Relationship in the world without expectation?
A couple were married for a long time. Husband was a good man but he went through lot of tough times in life. He lost lot of money in business, he went through legal trials for a mistake that he did not commit & he met with an accident and bed ridden for a long time. He went into coma after the accident and when he opened his eyes, he saw his wife standing by his side. He called her closer and started to speak “You were with me all the times, you were next to me when I went into losses, you stood next during the legal trials, you were next to me when I met with this terrible accident.” Wife was feeling so happy by listening to that, but he continued, “I think you are my BAD LUCK” because some one told him it could be the case.
Husband – wife relationship is very peculiar and different from all other ones, which is built on expectations.
A guy had a bullet (royal enfield) bike when he fell in love. He could not hear his girlfriend while going on a bike. He got so frustrated that he sold his bike and bought a moped. They got married and just in a year’s time, he sold moped and bought big noise making bullet again.
There was a shopping mall made an announcement saying, they are selling husbands and you can choose your desired husband. All women including married ones got so excited and rushed to the mall. There was a long queue and many women were waiting in the line to experience this amazing opportunity to see and choose husbands.
There were different categories of men allotted in the rooms with the following boards at the entrance.
1st room – Decent husbands
All women who entered came out with curiosity of “what is in the next room, i may get better option”
2nd room – Decent husbands with good jobs
Still women were not happy and they wanted to see more and went to the next room.
3rd room – Decent husbands with successful business
Yet, no one selected any husband and curious about next room, so went to the next one.
4th room – Decent husbands with business, money, humble heart.
Women, the more they saw, they were getting more and more curious. No one wanted to miss the opportunity of checking what is in the next room.
5th room – Decent husbands with handsome looks, business, cooking skills, passion for cleaning, serving & taking good care of kids.
Men in this room as well could not make anyone settle for choosing one. All women wanted to visit the next room.
The last room did not have any board at the entrance but inside the room, there was a big board stating “You are expecting too much, your options are over, go back home.”
There are 3 types of expectations.
1. Basic expectations / own expectations
2. Conditional expectations
3. Borrowed expectations
What are the expectations of wife?
Basic expectations / own expectations
She always wants the toilet should be clean, flushed after use. Help her in cooking & keep the kitchen clean. Hung towel only outside and not throw on the bed. Should not forget anything she says. Specially, dates and events, sometimes even the colour of her clothes she wore in special occasions. You should never praise other girls in front of her. Should understand what she wants without she saying it and the list goes on….
So, are expectations bad?
NO, these are all basic expectations. Aren’t they? There is no life without expectations. if you don’t have expectations from anything, then you have nothing to look forward for. This is the biggest reason for most of the married couple lose interest in each other. Expectations are nothing but HOPE to live. You should have basic expectations from your kids such as, he/she should obey your words, develop good attitude, behaviour and talent. You must have expectations from your employees such as they should come to office on time, finish the assigned job before time lines, take initiatives and work for the growth of the organization. So, you should have expectations from everything.
They come from our beliefs. The problem is we all cling on to outdated expectations most of the times. for example, we expect our kids to have fear of parents saying, “i never argued before my dad or parents, I always use to listen to them. I was afraid to speak to elders about anything, I use to respect all elders.” but today’s children are more advanced and they seek explanation and justification for everything, they like to be friends with elders and they like to discuss about their wants and desires. Have you checked if those expectations were your own? all of those were conditioned in to our minds in a long period. Isn’t it?
All un-married girls or boys will have imaginary expectations about their life partner. They would build imagination of marriage, family, relationship and life based on what they hear and see around them.
another good example is, a neighbour women talk about their experiences and if one woman talks about going on trip/buying new things or foreign vacation, it immediately triggers a fire of expectations in another woman and she will borrow this expectations back home. these are called BORROWED EXPECATIONS.
How to handle expectations?
Expectations have to be expressed. It can be expectations with self as well. Provided opposite person knows your expectations, you will feel peaceful with self. How? The moment you express your expectations, you will feel free because you will not have assumptions that the other person knows you better and he/she will only understand without telling anything. No one can know what is in your mind or what are you thinking un till you say it.
So, will this be all to handle expectations? NO, there is an important action you need to take and that is, you must listen and live up to your own people’s expectations as well before you impose your expectations.
Position expectation is a big obstacle in any relationship. for ex: if you feel, i’m the boss and everyone should only listen to me. I’m husband and wife doesn’t have any right to argue with me. My son / daughter must obey all my orders because i’m the head of the family. These will only make us disturbed when the expectations not met. if you don’t get something expected from opposite person, give a gap/some time, stay quiet and away from that person. this will help both to understand what is required.
With all this, you must do the following analysis for every expectation.
Is it a original / self expectation? such as, my life should become good, I should fulfil all expectations of my family members, I must expect the best of my abilities. Because only these type of expectations will make life happier and you will gain SELF-MASTERY
Or Is it conditional expectation? check if it is outdated and is it required to hold on to the same?
Or Is it Borrowed expectation? Check if some one or something influences it, which is not badly required for life.
When you have clear understanding of expectations, you will become more peaceful and start making choice of right expectations.
If you follow all these steps for every expectation, you will gain SELF-MASTERY over expectations.
Sathyanarayana V R
Life Coach – Consumax Life Empowering